Goats refuse to Capitulate, Ross, Doss and Thos - a rhyming triplet

Ballina 5
Newman try

Skerries 17
Brady 3 pens, Dempsey pen, Higgins try

December 2nd, 2000 : One local said it was the biggest invasion of Ballina since the French disembarked at Killala and poured into the town through Bohernasup. It was marginally bigger, he said, and a lot noisier than the Pioneer Rally of 1964 when, it will be remembered, a great wave of religious ecstasy led to a banner being strung across O' Rahilly Street with the highly questionable " God bless the Holy Ghost ". Whatever its historical status the Skerrigoat occupation of the Moy this weekend was an example of high-octane camp following. The front bar in Gaughans ( " we sell snuff " ) on Saturday morning was a reasonably accurate replica of the back bar in Joe Mays Saturday night, and the post-match congregation at Heffernan Park could have been a direct transplant from Rockalyoke. Even the barman back at the hotel was a Skerries Maypotter. This Skerries team is doubly fortunate - not only does it have a liberal supply of impact substitutes, it also has a solid phalanx of impact supporters.

The Skerries spring uncoiled impressively, the first quarter hour was like a training ground maneuver preformed at high velocity - banderillas driven sharply into opposition flesh, ball on ground, three-quarters launched, and repeat. When Lawless was brought to earth early on he still managed, lizard-like, to clamber an extra five yards. O' Sullivan ran through the opposition hooker with the disclaim of a Lomu, Horan was frequently the ram which battered the fringes. Quirke was set free and left two defenders behind before he was betrayed by a surface sponsored by Bostic. Meanwhile Dempsey and the back row were conducting a successful guerilla campaign against the well-documented mental frailties of the home out-half Carey. All was well, but ..Skerries led by only three points to nil, Brady having confidently converted a 13th minute penalty. Even allowing for wind disadvantage this was not an accurate index of the state of play.

In the middle of this opening half Ballina scored an excellent try, Newman, a full-back imported from the valleys of Cyrmru, slid a precise grubber behind the Skerries defense and was up promptly to secure the score. The effect was to transform the game so radically that one began to wonder if the projectionist had put the reels on in the wrong order, what was happening now seemed to have no link with what had gone before - the home side were revitalized and Skerries were now patently on the back foot although Mulcahy made a valiant attempt to reverse this trend by hurdling the entire opposition pack. Skerries midfield defense of Early and Brady remained impregnable - Brady once dumping the ball carrier a good two yards back from the point of impact - and half time was reached without further addition to the scoreboard.

Despite tangible evidence of its use as a snagging shop by suitors from the local housing estate much of the Skerries support had crowded into the tiny block of covered terrace on halfway. From here and from the immediate vicinity, a steady stream of gratuitous advice had been issuing to the referee from early in the game, all of it delivered in a pained, high-decibel whine. Vilification is, properly, an art form but the level of abuse spewing forth on Saturday fell well below the requirements of the genre. As things stand Skerries supporters are in very real danger of being confused with a bunch of striking taxi-drivers.

The fractious nature of the verbals seemed to communicate itself to the players after the break and for a time the game moved inexorably towards flash-point. The long tradition of boxing in the town of Ballina might logically have made the home team the beneficiaries of a bust-up - Howards Tavern on Tone Street is a virtual shrine to one Billy Kelly of Currabaggan who left to rule the rings of Toronto some 40 years ago - but good sense prevailed. Skerries attempted to make progress through the medium of the rolling maul but the manoeuvre invariably ended on the ground without any censure of the defending side. Quirke cut inside only to be ambushed by a collective tackle, his body was borne aloft like a corpse at an over-emotional Muslim Funeral yet he resolutely retained possession for his side.

The visiting pack, with a typically assiduous Duff at its heels, was offering the most steadfast responses to what was a stern examination of conscience. Dowling, later to be named a worthy man of the match, was operating at several revs higher than of late while the back row seemed to have got the knack of bi-location, Kelleher is a grand master in the art of the tackle, with an innate knowledge of when to stand up to the ball-carrier and when to focus on the knee cap. O' Sullivan is a hybrid who prospers on the prairie yet is highly effective at the coal face, Grey, a consummate athlete and footballer was never likely to find the no six jersey a hairshirt, Rockalyoke archivists will recall an outstanding back row trio of the eighties who came to be known as Copey, Soapy, and Dopey (Copeland, Malone and McAuley). Saturday's alignment might well find itself classified as Ross, Doss and Thos.

Ballina had held their tenuous lead for all of 40 minutes when Skerries were awarded a penalty just inside half way. Popular theory recommended a punt to the corner but Dempsey went for the posts and struck a magnificently liberating three points. Six minutes later Brady added three more from in front of the posts. Skerries were now going for the jugular and a splendid drive for the line by the pack was only just repelled. Higgins, when he goes to ground, habitually regains the perpendicular as if he was getting up for a piss in the middle of the night. Seeing him spring back up now to take his place in the ensuing scrum one knew instinctively that the match was won. Dempsey kicked through to the corner. Garry pinioned the defender to force the line out, the tap down was taken with momentum and Higgins was unstoppable at the line. Brady missed the conversion but still had time to kick a superb penalty from the touchline.

Only two of the starting 15 have not been mentioned in this dispatch. Burke is happy to remain anonymous for in his view a flamboyant prop is a contradiction in terms. And Scanlan, it must be said, does the bread and butter stuff with quiet efficiency. It only needs a little more fine tuning to see him into the caviar.

The game was a punishing one both physically and mentally. Six similar challenges await Skerries over the next seven weeks. It is patently a job for 22 rather than 15. These are the thoughts that will have been circulating in the managers mind as the high litre, turbo-propped Rover purred through the Irish countryside on Sunday morning. A few questions remain unanswered. Why did the Enniscrone Echo take the legalisation of Euthanasia in Holland as its lead story? In what circumstances was the massive plant holder overturned outside the Downhill? And who the fuck rang my room at five in the morning? But these, of course, are diving mysteries.